Thursday, July 1, 2010
We here at ATBTS have discovered a terrifying anomaly of science. As disturbing and shocking as this news is, try to stay calm and know that at this very moment our entire team is trying to figure out how to simultaneously alert the media and the scientific community in order to avert a crisis the likes of which mankind has never seen. Let me explain. For years, scientists have discussed the existence of black holes in a cool and collected manner. They have told us, right to our faces, that the closest black hole is several light years away and that we have nothing to fear. But, I tell you now, ATBTS has discovered one RIGHT HERE ON EARTH!!! It's called 'Bad Meat' and it somehow got past all of our security checkpoints and law enforcement. All this time these eggheads have been looking to the skies for answers and never once thought to check Netflix.
'What's the big deal?' you say? 'After all it's just a movie', you continue. Well, let me tell you what Hell awaits you in this shrink wrapped case. First off, in layman's terms, a black hole is like a giant vacuum that sits out in space, sucking up everything around it. Nothing gets by this giant vacuum. I mean, it's powerful. It has, like, super sucking power. Now, like any black hole, 'Bad Meat' sucks, too. You should know that we here at ATBTS weren't comfortable simply applying our vast knowledge of thermodynamics and X-ray binaries to this devastating discovery. For the sake of babies and kittens everywhere we had to be sure. Unfortunately, there are other similarities between these deadly aberrations as well that I will outline...right now.
So far, the evidence we've gathered at this point suggests that 'Bad Meat' is a movie about two losers that concoct a terrible plan to kidnap a United States congressman, played by Chevy Chase. But, when this congressman dies before the kidnapping, these two super geniuses decide that their super genius plan needn't be altered. Lance Barber plays Loser #1 and Billie Worley plays Loser #2. Loser #1 is the alpha-male of this group. The Sonny to Loser #2's Cher. This hapless would-be criminal's dream is to be number one on the FBI's Most Wanted list, and I think this aborted fetus of a scheme was how he planned on getting there. However, Loser #1 can't do anything right, so we're led to believe the same outcome will follow with the application of his kidnapping plan. He spends most of his time trying to channel either John Belushi or Chris Farley in this confusing anti-comedy complete with necrophilia, local police officers who've had their hands chopped off, half-naked plumbers, and a truckload of bologna. Loser #2, on the other hand, is a doormat working in a meat-packing plant. He's a pushover and goes along with Loser #1's plan to avoid making waves. And, just like any textbook black hole demonstrating quiescence and advection-dominated accretion flow, these two clowns have bitten off more than they could chew, and with the feds hot on their trail...wait for it...hilarity ensues!
If you're not terrified beyond rational thought yet, let me continue our comparison. According to Wikipedia, a black hole can be observed through its interaction with other matter, and can be inferred by tracking the movement of a group of stars that orbit a region in space in order to see how much the black hole sucks. Likewise, when 'Bad Meat' is being screened, you can see how much it sucks by observing the audience and tracking its movement toward the exit. Also, a black hole is a region of space with an extreme gravitational pull resulting from the collapse of a star. Did I mention that 'Bad Meat' stars Chevy Chase? I mean, what happened to Clark W. Griswold? "Bend over and I'll show you!" Classic. So, in addition to the bad script and terrible acting, this star's collapse caused gravity to become so extreme that nothing could escape, not even light or the time you spent watching this movie. With this new threat to our planet, I'm afraid even vegetarians won't be safe from 'Bad Meat'. See what I did? Because vegetarians don't eat meat. They eat vegetables.
This is why, in order to save humanity, you must all watch this giant vacuum of a movie before it devours all life. Just stay beyond it's Event Horizon and move around your DVD player in a complicated pattern with intermediate speed. Good luck.