Tuesday, August 17, 2010

"I've Got Two Hard Tickets to Paradise!"

If you're anything like me, you've wanted your own hippopotamus and rail gun for years. And like me, you're probably wondering how you'll pay for these lavish must-haves. Well, I'll tell you how: with an exciting job as a field agent for the DEA, of course!

Now, I know it probably seems like a pipe dream, but it's much easier to live your pipe dream than you'd think. All you need is a taste for adventure, an LL.B. or J.D. degree with prosecutorial experience, a master's degree in Russian or Hebrew, and a valid driver's license.  What's that? You have no idea what a DEA special agent is required to do? Well, for a quick 'How-To' guide, just watch 'Hard Ticket to Hawaii' and all of your questions will be answered.  After all, this is by far, the best, most realistic and compelling training video you'll ever find for the Drug Enforcement Administration.

For example, have you ever wondered what the underground drug/diamond trade is like in Hawaii? Will you even know what to wear when you meet with Seth, your local crime boss?  Have you asked yourself how many honeymooners a puppet snake that has been infected by deadly toxins from cancer-infested rats can eat in one sitting? Would you like to know how to Crank That like Soulja Boy? Well, just one viewing of 'Hard Ticket' is all you need to answer these questions and more.

In 'Hard Ticket to Hawaii', you'll join Super Agent Donna Hamilton (played by Dona Spier), a by-the-book, hard-as-nails DEA agent, as well as her direct supervisor, Rowdy Abilene (Ronn Moss), and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) a mafia informant in the witness protection program who is posing as a DEA agent/cargo messenger/tour guide in this instructional, true-to-life video.  They'll take you on a wild and exceedingly accurate journey of love, betrayal, danger, and intrigue that every field agent working in the DEA's Hawaiian division lives with, as far as I know.  With this training video, you'll learn about the strict dress code of our newest island state, which mainly consists of uniforms comprised of hot pants, sleeveless shirts, cowboy boots, and throwing stars.

Then, once the basics are covered, this training video brings you through a scenario that any DEA agent will eventually come across in real life. We open on our two super agents (Carlton and Spier) as they happen across a massive drug ring that everyone else on the island already knows about. They mistakenly head off a shipment or a payment of diamonds (I'm not really sure) being delivered by a remote controlled helicopter, sent by the half-British/half-Asian super crime boss floating offshore on his yacht.

He informs his evil counterparts that "no one must interfere with our plans", even though our DEA agents already have. This interference angers a fat guy with a beard on a four-wheeler and a little white guy with a mustache who likes to ride skateboards with inflatable sex dolls.  After the agents use their department-issued, regulation throwing stars and nun-chucks to subdue their culprits, they run away, like any agent should.  This "fleeing method" is a textbook maneuver for any law enforcement official.  At this point, our two criminals return to Seth, the head scofflaw and give him the bad news. See? Just like real life.

But, there's so much more to learn about the life of a DEA agent!  The training continues as our two favorite local DEA agents begin a second scenario where they are required to take some honeymooners and a poisonous puppet snake to a remote part of the island before visiting their local hangout where a pre-op transvestite works as a bartender but is really a spy for Seth and the manager delivers nuggets of wisdom that even Confucius would be jealous of: "If you go down on her you'll be kissing the back of my head, 'cause I'll already be there. If you know what I mean."

I personally don't know what that means because I'm pure as the new-fallen snow, but this inclusion is really clever because Andy Sidaris, the author of this masterpiece, allows us to see the appreciation that the local merchants have for any hardworking federal agent. In fact, the manager greets our agents at the door and is "gonna give you the best seat in the house."  Spier and Carlton are curious as to the location of these new accommodations and he instructs them that "You can sit right here on my face."  Once again, it's identical to what a real DEA special agent would encounter.

Sidaris also goes to great lengths in this training video financed entirely by the DEA* to show what a typical agent's motivation might be after a scuffle, when he finally allows Carlton to see a bit more of Spier than just her breasts. "Your dad's picture got broken in the fight. Spier lets her guard down and reveals that her father was the best agent this government ever had.  Carlton then inquires, "You really miss him, don't you?" Spier peers through old scraps of newspaper headlines and answers simply, "Yeah, he died saving my life."  Wow. This training video surpasses "Know Your Fryer" and "Sexual Harassment in the Workplace: Unwelcome Affection" hands down. I feel like I'm moments away from getting Maverick, my new hippopotamus.

But, like any effective training video, it doesn't stop it's training tips there. You'll also learn top pointers from our two agents that will be sure to guide you through any situation like, "We've gotta figure out what just happened. Let's unload and hit the jacuzzi. I do my best thinking there.", and "Drug Enforcement Agents aren't supposed to be soft (boob reveal), or "I'll give you all the sports segments you can handle" (boob reveal).  Stunning. Truly stunning. Also like in real life, these 'Charlie's Angels' rejects are quick to do whatever it takes in any situation, including, but not limited to shedding their clothes in order to have awkward sex with strange men on a boat, on the beach, in a backroom, or anywhere else the mood strikes them. Plus, as a fresh DEA agent, you'll be expected to know the lingo and this video teaches you important expressions like, "Who's that Turkey?" and "Let's get that Turkey!"

I don't want to give the ending away, but our agents get in over their blonde heads and recruit their bazooka-wielding supervisors to aid them down the rabbit hole full of sumo wrestlers, drunk football players, exploding toilets full of puppet snakes, kidnapped restaurant owners, and killer frisbees lined with razor blades.  Plus, every action is vibrantly captured with the same 3D technology used in 'Avatar'!**

Luckily, Andy Sidaris thought ahead and this training video also features dialogue that's written specifically for blind people who are intrested in joining up with the DEA's Blackout Division. This technique really comes in handy because sometimes it's not enough to see a helicopter land while people get out and drag a hostage inside. Sometimes you need a character to state, "Look, Dona. That chopper's landing in Seth's yard. They've got Edy!"

So, pick up 'Hard Ticket to Hawaii' and brush up on your local statutes for housing and keeping exotic animals because I'll be damned if Maverick's going to spend his weekends playing with his rail gun alone.

*that's a complete lie.
**also not true