Wednesday, October 6, 2010

I Watched A Sexually Charged Teenage Jesuit Ninja

One day while scouring for more B, I came across I Was A Teenage Ninja. I won’t lie, I was first taken in by the cover art. The cover art looks like an early PC user found a random picture of an asian woman holding a samurai sword on some BBS, then decided it would be cool to use Corel Paint to make a sweet GIF file. Once the eye candy wore off (half a second) I was compelled to read the synopsis and while this isn’t the greatest synopsis, it does use the word “pluck.” We all know what that means: The heart, liver, windpipe, and lungs of a slaughtered animal. Of course, it also means To pull out the hair or feathers. Like pulling the florets on an artichoke to reveal its heart, let’s de-feather this movie to get to the naked duck. (I am so good at similes.)

This is another one of those foreign movies that takes a different title to appeal to the American audience. I Was A Teenage Ninja’s original Japanese title is Legend of the Voluptuous Kunoichi: Christian Kunoichi Aome’s Story. The original title is much truer to the story line.

What’s a Kunoichi you ask? Well, the film defines this term in an opening title sequence as...

    “Kunoichi” (Female Ninja) It is a term of most unusual origin. Many believe it is based on the sounds created while making the brush strokes to write the character for “woman” in Japanese. However Kunoichi is properly written with the Japanese characters for “nine” and “one.” “9-1” is also the Chinese designation for a female spy. The derivation of this name is thus: It is a fact that every human body has at least 9 “holes.” However, the body of a woman has one additional “hole.” That is, when compared to men. On that anatomical note, we now present the battle of a female ninja who uses that female weapon to is fullest.”

You guessed it, this is Japanese soft core. Saki Ninomiya (link NSFW), adult video star, plays Sora the 19 year old teenage ninja who is called upon to use her powers of seduction and swordplay to stop an assassination of a shaman. Sora is the daughter of Portuguese Jesuits who arrived in the Bizen Province of Japan in Tenbun year 18. Trust me: since they're packing so much history into a soft core movie, it's okay to watch it without your pants.

Our tale begins with an explosive a fight scene between our teenage ninja Sora and some dude. Their “ninja” fight is like watching a blind girl on sleeping pills fight a semi alert coma patient having a dream about fencing. (How about that simile?) This awe-inspiring scene sets the tone and prepares you for the awkward journey you're about to take.

Now, you may be saying to yourself, “Self: Once you’ve seen one soft core movie you’ve seen them all.” I beg to differ. First off you are taken into a land you don’t know much about (i.e. the woods) unlike most soft core movies that take place at a resort or a mansion or a mansion resort. Second, there is action, maybe not the best action but action nonetheless. Fight sequences that will make you say, “Really?” And thirdly there is the sex. Well I guess all soft core movies have sex scenes, but remember this is a Japanese soft core. There is awkward sex, plain sex, lesbian sex, hermaphrodite sex, scissoring, squirting, but the piece de resistance the Gate of Penis Prison. Sora might not be the best ninja but she sure does know how to sheath the sword as they say. People say that right? I’m pretty sure they do.

Anyway, in one harrowing love scene Sora is distracted by a man who uses his black art of Golden Orb to seduce her. That's right. Golden Orb.  If you have never seen the black art of Golden Orb then you have not lived. Sora endures all the pleasure she can and finally takes control of the situation. Once free from ecstasy, Sora mounts the man in reverse cowgirl position. The man, thinking it’s his turn for ecstasy, lets down his guard as Sora works her sexual magic. She performs Gate of Penis Prison where through only the power of her extra “hole” she plucks his prick thus thwarting the assassin. (Not to be mistaken with the hungry vagina movie Teeth.)

I Was A Teenage Ninja is a story of teenagers, ninjas, sex, jesuits, and hemaphrodites. It’s all B and I highly recommend having a date night with your chosen life partner, lighting some candles, and enjoying this B cinema.